As I begin to write this, tears slowly drip down my cheeks. Sometimes I stop and start to wonder, am I really the cause of all this?
Maybe it would be better if I wasn't here. Maybe it'd be better for everyone else had I not been in the picture. I don't know. I believe that everyone was put here by God for a reason. Yet what is mine?
Why is it always my fault? Even when things always seem the opposite? Is it because I'm less fragile? Is it because it's easy to just put the blame on me to mask the actual reality that maybe he couldn't help me?
Have you ever stopped to ponder for a second that maybe I have feelings too, maybe I am human and that I make mistakes too. Maybe you think I want just want to bring everyone down. Maybe you think that we can't get along. But maybe I do have a heart. Maybe I do actually give a shit about how things are.
You think I don't care. Don't you know it hurts me every time you assume I don't. It hurts so much knowing that the people you care so much, always end up getting hurt because of you.
Maybe I don't want to be the reason anymore.
I wouldn't know how much longer can I endure this. I admit, sometimes it is my fault. But why doesn't the other party go through what I do. I don't understand. Behind this smile, lies broken pieces of hope.
Maybe it'd be easier, if I just said I was sorry. I can't do it this time.
0
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Aoi Teshima - La Vie En Rose
A cold winter night, walking along the stone paved roads under the gentle glow from the street lamps overlooking the path. Rain slowly drizzling down from the sky as you catch a glimpse of it as you look up into the dark night.
A candlelit dinner behind the glass window of a restaurant, the silence of the night. The only sound you catch is the drops of rain hitting the brick rooftops of the shops that align the side of the road. You reach the river and the reflection of distance silhouettes appear on the surface of the calm waters.
<3
0
0
1
It's been awhile hasn't it? Oh btw, it's a great song to listen to actually. So, where do I start?
I think the last time I blogged was, quite frankly, ages ago and I guess I should start with prom eh?
Let's see, prom.
I remembered the guys and I were really stressing about our performance for prom so immediately after our last paper (okay not immediately, after our post-SPM dinner cum shisha outing) we started our practice.
It was a grueling process of trial and error to decide which songs to perform plus looking for tabs and chords online. I didn't help that we rarely had everyone together at the same time. But we pulled through as always! We had Fabi to thank too, somehow with her around we tend to work more efficiently. She's like the lube of the engine!
That didn't come out right.
Prom , 20th December 2010.
After pulling an all nighter, (we did this for the past 4 days, much to the dismay of the neighbours!) we packed our stuff into 2 cars and headed to Prince Hotel. I seriously think we should hire roadies the next time we have a gig. We had to carry the drums and everything up and set everything up!
After waiting for so long we finally did our rehearsal and it seemed okay! I was shitting bricks though for the night!
We left our equipment there and went home to get ready. I, being chingko, wanted to save my money on the parking ticket since it was an all day pass, and took the damn LRT back. I realized now that I wasted more money on the taxi ride home. FML
I got home and it was around 5.30 so I rushed to get ready. Since I had no car I had to call Eric to pick me up, little did I know did Arjun, Jon and Julian were coming along too so we all squeeze in E's car. What a rock band! Arjun looked so Mafia man. Kinda like Vito Corleone.
We reached there kinda late with a few people already there and proceeded to Ticket to The Moon's suite. It was amazing in there! Anyway, we got our instruments and headed down to the performer's room where we met Caprice and his crew and Radhi from OAG.
To my surprise Radhi was actually super nice and humble, he even offered us to let us use his acoustic amp! He even showed us how it sounded! Awesome! Caprice and his crew was rehearsing their entry which was pretty awesome since one of them had a Spartan helmet, or in other words a Halo Master Chief helmet, on which was. Wow.
Mingling with people that dressed so good was awesome since SPM was over and everyone was in the mood. I remember how sharp the guys looked and how the girls looked beautiful! It's true what they say, a guy will always look good in a tux. Always.
At this point in time my balls were shrinking, then BAM! the Form 4 band went up. Kinda sucks to be remembered as the "form 4 band" since even I don't remember what they were called. Also, was pretty unfortunate that nobody went to the dance floor to cheer them on when they performed, maybe its that ego thing? Anyway, all of us went to get our equipment ready for the performance.
It was now, Do or Die, this is how we were gonna be remembered, either the greatest performance to date, or another flop. Whatever it was, it was gonna end with a bang.
..and what a loud bang that was.
We had 3 songs lined up that was Sex on Fire, Just Dance (Rock version yeah!) and We'll Be a Dream. Sex on Fire took a little time to warm up, no pun intended, but thanks to help from our boys TtTM we we're getting people on the floor! F yeah moment man! Then we did Just Dance and this time I think the adrenaline was really pumping.
I could've sworn that Julian would have crowd surfed if he could! It was just a damn awesome moment!
Anyway, not everything was perfect, our last song took us like, half and hour to set up! Just to find some damn stools and a missing acoustic. Fortunately, we nailed it. Paul and Fabi did an amazing performance that made them couples slow dance. Gotta admit, these are the moments you wish you had brought someone to prom. I had someone in mind okay! but she was busy!
After that I think, personally, that the song would forever remind me of prom night and bring back these memories. Bittersweet I guess.
So then when our boys went to perform we returned the favor by pulling the crowd in for them! I must say, they probably had a more livelier crowd than we did! Maybe cause we warmed them up? :P Oh well, it was awesome too!
Even better when they collaborated with Radhi!
I wouldn't know how to properly describe Caprice's performance since it was just flipping wicked. I was, a skeptic, but I guess I was wrong! His performance was pretty awesome and he even did a video of well, us!
Try to spot me!
As the festivities continued, time was moving faster than anyone imagined, I remember not even eating that much since like, most of my time was spent um, NOT eating. I WANTED MY FRIED RICE DAMN IT
At around 11.45pm or something they were gonna announce the winners of the various awards of the night like Best Personality, Best Brains, and of course, Prom King and Queen. Oh and I was in the running for that title too!
Contrary to popular belief, I did NOT vote for anyone that night other than Denise for which I thought she looked stunning. The picture above illustrates what I did NOT do. I think that was Aiman's vote. Thanks man ♥
Anyway, I figured that I had no way of actually winning this since the majority of the votes would go to probably Faidhi or something. So yeah, took of my suit and just chilled there while they announced the results.
I almost fell of my chair when they announced the winner. I swear that I didn't even half expect that he of all people would be the winner.
Then, applause.
Dude, you fucking won!
Choy, I'm so proud of you!
Holy shit dude you won!
Get up there la quickly!
I just won Prom King. Me. What the fuck?
This would probably be one of the greatest moments and achievement of my high school life if I hadn't so busy trying to get my suit back on and fumbling about. To say I was surprised would be the understatement of the century. I was literally shaking!
There are so many shots of me doing that I-just-shat-myself face on Facebook which I should upload here. It was epic! but I was nervous as hell when I was up there.
I mean, traditionally speaking, I don't think Chinese people normally won prom king. I feel like Obama! I don't know how to describe my feelings in words but if I could, it felt like the greatest achievement ever. It was nice to know hey, people like me. :)
Okay, I'm done being full of myself. Sorry, it was just so amazing that night.
That's what she said.
ANYWAY, after all that I think our host Marcus came up to me and said "Hey, ever since I saw you with your bass I knew you would have won." That was kinda, um, flattering I guess! and and these twins came up to me and told me they voted for me. <3
After packing up the instruments and drums on our trolley we had a few moments to linger around and mingle. We took a bunch of group photos, some polaroids (which I proudly stick in my room.) and some pictures with everyone that night. Did I mention how good everyone looked?
Then it struck me.
A sudden realization that damn, this is gonna be one of the last nights that I see the class of 2010 together. It was a bittersweet moment. On one hand, it was one of the most spectacular nights of the year spent with some of the awesomest company you could ever have dreamed of and on the other, it's like a transition where we're all gonna be out to do our things and pave a way for our future. No more messing around, life starts now.
*ahem
After that some of us like the Ticket to The Moon guys headed back to the room. For me, I was too exhausted to continue going anywhere after that. I sent a few people home and got home around 3am. Didn't help that I had a Melaka trip with the church buddies the next day at 7am!
Even though I was exhausted as hell, I couldn't resist opening my present from prom! New cologne yay! I dozed off shortly after.
I sincerely think that Melawati's Prom of 2010 was absolutely brilliant. Sure it had it's ups and downs but I think that it all paid off in the end. I think its a night everyone would look back to and remember. All the memories and experience that we shared throughout the year ends with a bang! I wouldn't think of a more elaborate way to end my high school life. Also, gotta thank everyone who voted for me that night! It means so much to actually win it! I will keep that sash forever haha!
Gonna miss each and everyone of you guys. :')
Melawati High. Class of 2010
-J
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Streetlights and Rain
Friday, June 24, 2011Aoi Teshima - La Vie En Rose
A cold winter night, walking along the stone paved roads under the gentle glow from the street lamps overlooking the path. Rain slowly drizzling down from the sky as you catch a glimpse of it as you look up into the dark night.
A candlelit dinner behind the glass window of a restaurant, the silence of the night. The only sound you catch is the drops of rain hitting the brick rooftops of the shops that align the side of the road. You reach the river and the reflection of distance silhouettes appear on the surface of the calm waters.
<3
It's the little things that counts!
Sunday, May 15, 2011 Friends, little, melawati, party, surprise
Wow, it's almost June already. Where did all our time go? Before you know it, we'll be graduating! Scary isn't it? You know, the whole notion of growing up?
I still remember saying to Arjun "Where's my beer?" and he just laughed it off.
Love you guys to bits!
-J
Anyway,
HELLO ALL MY BEAUTIFUL READERS! (If you guys still read it that is!)
I guess I haven't been blogging because I'm
a) really lazy
b) I like to make every blog post special!
c) Twitter. Nuff' said.
Well, my last blogpost was obviously a very depressed one. So let's recap what happened since then?
I remember it was my first week of college. Not exactly the most pleasant experience since I just had my PD trip with the most amazing bunch of people in the world. It was kinda heartbreaking to be starting college while mostly everyone else was still free. Didn't help that my college is 36km away from home. Pretty sad birthday too. No familiar faces at all in college.
Then Friday, after a pretty shitty day in college I texted Arjun telling him I was depressed as hell. He said he was googling places to go for dinner with the Joes. Perculiar, I thought, since who really googles places to eat? Then he said he'd buy me a round of beer at a place called Tavern and pick me up at 7pm 8pm ish.
I felt something wasn't right since no one ever picks me up! So I got ready around that time. It didn't seem right though since it was so quiet and Fabi's car was parked outside my area. I was too depressed to think of anything.
Then the boys picked me and brought me to Lookout Point. I was like "This isn't Tavern?"
Then,
So basically this was my reaction. Thanks Eric and Rais.
I think I almost teared when I saw everyone there. Like, almost everyone I knew and was close to was there. My mum, my brothers, my neighbours and all. Even my church buddies! I felt like the luckiest person ever at that point.
I still remember saying to Arjun "Where's my beer?" and he just laughed it off.
It was such a great night. I didn't eat that much, still overwhelmed by the immense amount of shock from it all. Did I mention this is the 3rd time in the row yet I was still oblivious to it? I guess that night was a night that I reassured me that I have the most amazing and special group of friends on the face of this planet.
Now, who could honestly say that they're friends did this, let alone 3 times? I'm so thankful to God that I got to grow up with them. Without them, I couldn't be who I am today.
After most of them went home, it was just Eric, Arjun and me left. We kinda just sat there, close to midnight, just reminiscing and reflecting on how life was, and will be. Kinda made me emo of the fact that everyone is growing up. Taking different paths in life.
Will we still be this close 10 years from now? Without a single doubt in my heart.
A quote that I wholeheartedly agree with!
"Growing old is mandatory, growing up is optional."Bob Monkhouse
Love you guys to bits!
-J
It ain't all that bad.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011 Friends, results, SPM
When Eric said that our theme song for SPM results day was The Scientist - Coldplay I jokingly agreed.
Well, he was right.
I seriously lost my mood to do everything. I was supposed to read up on my lecture notes today and my assignments for Thursday but I can't even focus to do anything. I'm just so devastated with my shit results. I should have put in more effort.
It's not so much of my future that is making me depressed, it's that the people who supported you and was rooting for you all the way that I'm so sad about. The look of disappointment from their faces is just unbearable. I'm so sorry, to my parents, family and my teachers. Especially Mr. Balvir who put in God knows how much effort for us last year.
I mean, I know I wasn't gonna get good results but I didn't expect it to be THIS bad. Like, no one did actually. Thankfully I wasn't the only one. But then again, there's always light at the end of the tunnel.
We might not have the best of results like some of you out there but at least we have each other. We might have played a lot and slacked off here and there but damn was those last two years good.
How many people can say that they have what we have?
Well, he was right.
I seriously lost my mood to do everything. I was supposed to read up on my lecture notes today and my assignments for Thursday but I can't even focus to do anything. I'm just so devastated with my shit results. I should have put in more effort.
It's not so much of my future that is making me depressed, it's that the people who supported you and was rooting for you all the way that I'm so sad about. The look of disappointment from their faces is just unbearable. I'm so sorry, to my parents, family and my teachers. Especially Mr. Balvir who put in God knows how much effort for us last year.
I mean, I know I wasn't gonna get good results but I didn't expect it to be THIS bad. Like, no one did actually. Thankfully I wasn't the only one. But then again, there's always light at the end of the tunnel.
I guess it's pretty true what Jon said and for that I have no regrets. A piece of paper doesn't dictate our future, at least not SPM. I was just thinking, if how all of this played out different. How if I didn't meet these bunch of wonderful people in my life and how that would have altered my journey in life.
"Your grandchildren wouldn't ask about your SPM results, they'll most probably ask about the friends you made and the crazy stuff you did. They wouldn't ask about what you did in the library"
- Jon Chua
We might not have the best of results like some of you out there but at least we have each other. We might have played a lot and slacked off here and there but damn was those last two years good.
How many people can say that they have what we have?
Prom!
Friday, February 25, 2011 alternate zebras, awesome, caprice, class, dance, event, gig, high school, melawati, performance, prom, prom king, School, ticket to the moon
You Do, You Don't - The Friday Night Boys plays in the background.
It's been awhile hasn't it? Oh btw, it's a great song to listen to actually. So, where do I start?
I think the last time I blogged was, quite frankly, ages ago and I guess I should start with prom eh?
Let's see, prom.
I remembered the guys and I were really stressing about our performance for prom so immediately after our last paper (okay not immediately, after our post-SPM dinner cum shisha outing) we started our practice.
It was a grueling process of trial and error to decide which songs to perform plus looking for tabs and chords online. I didn't help that we rarely had everyone together at the same time. But we pulled through as always! We had Fabi to thank too, somehow with her around we tend to work more efficiently. She's like the lube of the engine!
That didn't come out right.
Prom , 20th December 2010.
After pulling an all nighter, (we did this for the past 4 days, much to the dismay of the neighbours!) we packed our stuff into 2 cars and headed to Prince Hotel. I seriously think we should hire roadies the next time we have a gig. We had to carry the drums and everything up and set everything up!
After waiting for so long we finally did our rehearsal and it seemed okay! I was shitting bricks though for the night!
We left our equipment there and went home to get ready. I, being chingko, wanted to save my money on the parking ticket since it was an all day pass, and took the damn LRT back. I realized now that I wasted more money on the taxi ride home. FML
I got home and it was around 5.30 so I rushed to get ready. Since I had no car I had to call Eric to pick me up, little did I know did Arjun, Jon and Julian were coming along too so we all squeeze in E's car. What a rock band! Arjun looked so Mafia man. Kinda like Vito Corleone.
We reached there kinda late with a few people already there and proceeded to Ticket to The Moon's suite. It was amazing in there! Anyway, we got our instruments and headed down to the performer's room where we met Caprice and his crew and Radhi from OAG.
To my surprise Radhi was actually super nice and humble, he even offered us to let us use his acoustic amp! He even showed us how it sounded! Awesome! Caprice and his crew was rehearsing their entry which was pretty awesome since one of them had a Spartan helmet, or in other words a Halo Master Chief helmet, on which was. Wow.
Mingling with people that dressed so good was awesome since SPM was over and everyone was in the mood. I remember how sharp the guys looked and how the girls looked beautiful! It's true what they say, a guy will always look good in a tux. Always.
At this point in time my balls were shrinking, then BAM! the Form 4 band went up. Kinda sucks to be remembered as the "form 4 band" since even I don't remember what they were called. Also, was pretty unfortunate that nobody went to the dance floor to cheer them on when they performed, maybe its that ego thing? Anyway, all of us went to get our equipment ready for the performance.
It was now, Do or Die, this is how we were gonna be remembered, either the greatest performance to date, or another flop. Whatever it was, it was gonna end with a bang.
..and what a loud bang that was.
We had 3 songs lined up that was Sex on Fire, Just Dance (Rock version yeah!) and We'll Be a Dream. Sex on Fire took a little time to warm up, no pun intended, but thanks to help from our boys TtTM we we're getting people on the floor! F yeah moment man! Then we did Just Dance and this time I think the adrenaline was really pumping.
I could've sworn that Julian would have crowd surfed if he could! It was just a damn awesome moment!
Anyway, not everything was perfect, our last song took us like, half and hour to set up! Just to find some damn stools and a missing acoustic. Fortunately, we nailed it. Paul and Fabi did an amazing performance that made them couples slow dance. Gotta admit, these are the moments you wish you had brought someone to prom. I had someone in mind okay! but she was busy!
After that I think, personally, that the song would forever remind me of prom night and bring back these memories. Bittersweet I guess.
So then when our boys went to perform we returned the favor by pulling the crowd in for them! I must say, they probably had a more livelier crowd than we did! Maybe cause we warmed them up? :P Oh well, it was awesome too!
Even better when they collaborated with Radhi!
I wouldn't know how to properly describe Caprice's performance since it was just flipping wicked. I was, a skeptic, but I guess I was wrong! His performance was pretty awesome and he even did a video of well, us!
Try to spot me!
As the festivities continued, time was moving faster than anyone imagined, I remember not even eating that much since like, most of my time was spent um, NOT eating. I WANTED MY FRIED RICE DAMN IT
At around 11.45pm or something they were gonna announce the winners of the various awards of the night like Best Personality, Best Brains, and of course, Prom King and Queen. Oh and I was in the running for that title too!
Contrary to popular belief, I did NOT vote for anyone that night other than Denise for which I thought she looked stunning. The picture above illustrates what I did NOT do. I think that was Aiman's vote. Thanks man ♥
Anyway, I figured that I had no way of actually winning this since the majority of the votes would go to probably Faidhi or something. So yeah, took of my suit and just chilled there while they announced the results.
I almost fell of my chair when they announced the winner. I swear that I didn't even half expect that he of all people would be the winner.
Then, applause.
Dude, you fucking won!
Choy, I'm so proud of you!
Holy shit dude you won!
Get up there la quickly!
I just won Prom King. Me. What the fuck?
This would probably be one of the greatest moments and achievement of my high school life if I hadn't so busy trying to get my suit back on and fumbling about. To say I was surprised would be the understatement of the century. I was literally shaking!
There are so many shots of me doing that I-just-shat-myself face on Facebook which I should upload here. It was epic! but I was nervous as hell when I was up there.
I mean, traditionally speaking, I don't think Chinese people normally won prom king. I feel like Obama! I don't know how to describe my feelings in words but if I could, it felt like the greatest achievement ever. It was nice to know hey, people like me. :)
Okay, I'm done being full of myself. Sorry, it was just so amazing that night.
That's what she said.
ANYWAY, after all that I think our host Marcus came up to me and said "Hey, ever since I saw you with your bass I knew you would have won." That was kinda, um, flattering I guess! and and these twins came up to me and told me they voted for me. <3
After packing up the instruments and drums on our trolley we had a few moments to linger around and mingle. We took a bunch of group photos, some polaroids (which I proudly stick in my room.) and some pictures with everyone that night. Did I mention how good everyone looked?
Then it struck me.
A sudden realization that damn, this is gonna be one of the last nights that I see the class of 2010 together. It was a bittersweet moment. On one hand, it was one of the most spectacular nights of the year spent with some of the awesomest company you could ever have dreamed of and on the other, it's like a transition where we're all gonna be out to do our things and pave a way for our future. No more messing around, life starts now.
*ahem
After that some of us like the Ticket to The Moon guys headed back to the room. For me, I was too exhausted to continue going anywhere after that. I sent a few people home and got home around 3am. Didn't help that I had a Melaka trip with the church buddies the next day at 7am!
Even though I was exhausted as hell, I couldn't resist opening my present from prom! New cologne yay! I dozed off shortly after.
I sincerely think that Melawati's Prom of 2010 was absolutely brilliant. Sure it had it's ups and downs but I think that it all paid off in the end. I think its a night everyone would look back to and remember. All the memories and experience that we shared throughout the year ends with a bang! I wouldn't think of a more elaborate way to end my high school life. Also, gotta thank everyone who voted for me that night! It means so much to actually win it! I will keep that sash forever haha!
Gonna miss each and everyone of you guys. :')
Melawati High. Class of 2010-J
Short update
Friday, January 7, 2011
Britain really opened my eyes to alot of things and I'm glad I got the chance to come here
Updates on prom,melaka and UK asap when i get back
:)
-J
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